I noticed my usage of word balance. Today and last days I have used it and now I can think new meanings for it. At least for me. Sorry I am tired already. Thinker got tired. I like odd numbers. I mean it gives me balance. Oddness makes me to look both sides or to count with both hands. HEI hoo hei HOO hei hoo and the loud part or breathing for crawl goes alternatively to the rigth and to the left. I am righthanded but I like to practice ocassionally also my left hand. This week I have spoken very little with people face to face. I have written my journal in finnish and reading some texts of others. Getting and putting some thoughts. Trying to make balance in my mind. Trying to be not trying. Strange balances. To want to not get and to not want to get. Once I got clear description in my mind about this: "You don't get what you want". Wanting makes you miss realism and you lose. And as balance goes the clear is not clear. Impossible is possible.

Swimming and computer nerdiness are seemingly my only hobbies now. Maybe I can add journaling. And a lot of dreaming or sittiing and lying without definitely knowing what is going around in my head. Today I was lying and find out for me new thing. I was very afraid of everything. Earlier. But now I am not so afraid. I even like small dangers. Or not dangers but something foreign or something I do not know how I can handle it. Repeating not big challenges yet for me. I was biking to the swimming pool yesterday. I noticed that my heart rate was going up. I was afraid. I had decided to try next steps in my butterfly swimming. I did not know how I can manage. I did it. I swam overall 900 meters of butterfly and between after every 75m some other style for 25m to get some rest. This was one thing really impossible for me before but now it is possible. Yes I have practiced for this. Wanting is not to get but it is to complete steps to get where you want. I was thinking about my paddling challenge last summer. I was really afraid that I am going to be lost. There is balance because I was really stupid to do something I had not ability and experience to do. I was able to see rapidly changing winds. Kayak is really a toy there. I have since then only dreamed to write description of my experiment. I forgot to say. I noticet that I like light feeling of being afraid. Only small. When I have to think if I can do something. This is new thing for me. I think I also like to be afraid to go to talk to girl when I get attracted. To be too attracted brings unability to speak. Balance there balance here. Not to get what you want.

Sometimes if you don't think about something you can do it. And when you begin to think you are already lost.

My confession. Somehow I feel that my greatest sorrows came when romantic relationships that were so clearly developing were accidentially sweeped or crushed to nonexistence. Now I can see some reazons in my own nonunderstanding of relationships and their complexity and not knowing anything or knowing only theoretically about psychology. It is very unvice to leave problems behind because they follow. Openness and honesty have great value. And for balance they bring dangers. As quite newborn artist I have already noticed it. Things that for some time made me feeling extremely unbalanced.

I almost missed love. The very strange thing because what it is. I find myself recalling one day of last summer. I was sitting and then current of my ideas closened me to thinking and understanding love at new level for me. Balanced way. There is no difference for ones to love themselves or others. The others you love want that you love yourself and you want that they love themselves. Because all is connected all must be balanced. And it is. Honesty makes all people same. Friendly and unfriendly things ciculate and come allways back. No thing is really nothing. And for the strange balance you have the very nearest with ones you behave not as with the others. Or you dream only as I many times do. I must stop editing before I break all what I said. But also traditions can be changed. I think that I have done something like that. Is it dream?

But is sometimes the last word to be heard. Thing are absolutely so but... Now I heard the sound of crossing stream. It is not long time ago when I found this strange phenomenon. If I was more clear and open maybe I could see it earlier. Love goes to hatred. Balance. When I say anything I can get very soon idea about opposite. I have also opposite thoughts. I think it would be creative to remember that there is allways the opposite and different possibilities. Body and mind. Changes everywhere.